Where is my heart, now?
Author: Angela Maddalena
Where is my heart, now? Some time ago, I wouldn’t have been able to answer this question. See, my whole life changed, and it was such a suddenly change, I got myself lost.
I was sure, when I left, that this thing, this experience, was only a temporary thing. I was proved wrong, since first week abroad. What I found here changed my mind. Things were happening, the whole shebang went upside-down. I started to know this new life could have been what I was searching for long time now. A new me started to take shape. My mind started to set on new possibilities, my very will changed. But my heart, the silly muscle, was nowhere to be found. It was not in the picture. I thought it was lost, somewhere in space and time, never to come out again.
But I was proved to be wrong.
I found a special thing.
Out of chance, only chance, I answered “yes” instead of “no”.
Single question, single answer.
Everything changed, again.
I found something that I never ever believed to be true: a possibility.
In the world of possibilities, I never expected this one to happen to me.
Never before i was so happy to be proved wrong.
Because what i found is not only a person, is a new way to look at things.
What I found are dark dark eyes and a beautiful smile.
What I found are arms strong enough to keep me still, making impossible for me to shake so hard as it always was before.
Because I can be lots of things, but I never was safe before.
Out of my mother’s kitchen, I’ve never felt safe before.
And yes, I’ve loved, I’ve cared for other people, but they never were able to make me feel like I was in my place, far from harm.
I always have been on the fire line, struggling to get what i wanted, counting scars.
So long I kept counting, that I stopped to actually feel the pain. But pain was there, every moment.
Only, I was not able to realize it anymore.
And now I know this is not the way it should be, being together. It should not be a constant firefight. It should not give me scars. It should not be fear and stressful cries in my bed alone.
I didn’t know before, but I know now.
Out of chance, I found a different perspective.
Because, out of chance, I found a place where to keep my heart in, like in a vassell, for it to be safe.
The “Angie’s Blog” is a rubric led by Angela Maddalena (Italy)
and is part of the project “Freedom of (Hate) Speech“.
It is funded under European program “Erasmus+”,
KA 1: European Voluntary Service and Training Course for Youth Workers.
National Agenda for Bulgaria: Center for Human Resource Development